Below are some of our favourite duck jokes. Please email us your favourite duck jokes – PG-rated of course!
Here’s our absolute favourite
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he thinks he’s going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. The officer says, “Look, there’s a zoo not far from there and that’s where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem.” The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!” “I did that,” said the driver, “but now they want to go to the beach!”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks!” So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “You’re punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.” The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for corn. The bartender says “We have no corn, get out of here.” So the duck leaves. The next day he comes back and asks for corn again, and the bartender says “I told you, we don’t have any corn! Get out!” So the duck leaves. The next day he goes in again and asks for corn, and the bartender says, “For the last time, we don’t have corn! If you ever come back, I’m going to nail those webbed feet of yours to the floor!” So the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “No, of course not. Why would a bar have nails?” The duck then says, “Good. Then can I have some corn?”
A duck walks into a pharmacy, and asks for Chapstick. The cashier says, “Cash or check?” and the duck says, “Just put it on my bill.”
A true story from Readers Digest by a man named Joe Ernst:
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a “severe nonlinear waterfowl issue.” Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, “What exactly is that?”
The programmer replied, “They don’t have their ducks in a row.”
A general practitioner, an internist, and a surgeon go duck hunting. A duck flies overhead, and the GP says, “Gee, kinda looks like a duck,” and shoots it. Another duck flies overhead, and the internist sights it. “Rule out pheasant, rule out goose, must be duck” he says, and shoots it. A third bird flies overhead. The surgeon raises his gun. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Then he looks at the others. “What was that?” he asks.
A man and a duck are walking down the street together. Suddenly the man notices a low flying airplane coming right for them. So the man yells: “DUCK!!!!” and the duck yells back at the man with an angry face: “MAN!!!!”
Q: What time does a duck wake up at?
A: At the quack of dawn!!
There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied “Open the tin and blow out the candles!”
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so Sorry, your duck has passed away.” The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m quite sure. The duck is dead,” he replied. “How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!”, she cried – “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?” The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry.” “If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer replied, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I’m going in to retrieve it.”
The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The lawyer huffed angrily, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don’t let me get my duck, I’ll sue you.”
The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What’s the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?”
The Farmer answered, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”
The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot, now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out burning grass. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
One day, a blonde and a brunette are walking in the park when the brunette notices a dead duck.
She turns to the blonde and says, “Oh, look at the poor dead duck.”
The blonde looks up to the sky and asks, “Where?!”